you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
