he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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