Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
