Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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