someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
