So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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