The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
