On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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