Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
there's paper in my vomit.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
