I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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