Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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