I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
