She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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