I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
