If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
