so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
