birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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