Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
