What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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