You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
