Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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