ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
