i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
