omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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