we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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