Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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