Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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