swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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