i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize