So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
