well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
