Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I have tasted many bathrooms
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
