2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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