glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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