those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Oh god it's open bar.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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