no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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