The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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