you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
