I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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