I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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