Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
