Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
