My sheets look like a crime scene.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
