I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
