Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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