Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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