At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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