Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
