I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
