My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
