Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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