He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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