Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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