I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize