On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
