She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
