So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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