Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he had hair everywhere except his balls
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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