Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize