I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
