I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
