I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
