im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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