I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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